Scientists have explained why the best jokes are the hardest to remember, while the worst are easily called to mind. The greatest jokes work by subverting usual thought patterns, making them less memorable but funnier, according to new research. A final twist and surprise in the joke makes us remember the punchline, but forget the run-up to the gag. n contrast, the structure and punchlines of cliched gags are so predictable it makes them easy to recall.
Robert Provine, professor of psychology at Maryland University, who is writing a book on laughter, said: “What makes a joke successful is also what makes it difficult to remember. The punch line involves an unexpected turn. ”If someone tells you a list of flowers, like roses, daffodils, petunias and brick. That was unexpected and funny. You remember ‘brick’, but not probably the correct list of flowers.” Prof Provine believes that good jokes work in the opposite way to a poem or piece of music.
OK Flapjack! Fire up the bad joke machine and get commenting – I’ll get in to my groaning stance.
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Sometimes you can be so mean Phillis… I have feelings too y’know!
Talking of feelings- Today I’m kinda feeling sick…
I just love the texture of regurgitated bits of carrot!
I thankyou… I’m here all week…
I was just about to say… You are asking for trouble from Flapjack with2 this article. Then I finishing reading to the end and realised – You know Phillis! Bring it on…from all!
Ah you know I love it really!
What do you get if you cross the mafia with a herring?
The same thing you get if you cross the mafia with anything really. NEVER cross the mafia… have you not seen “The Godfather?”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was a whole lot safer than crossing the mafia… seriously folks, it’s not wise.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two… The tricky part is getting them in there in the first place.
Alright that one wasn’t my own, but I still like it!
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Bat-mobile?
Get in the bat-mobile.
All my dolphin jokes have no porpoise.
all my pencil jokes have no point.
not as bad as the sultana jokes which have no rhyme or raisin in them
or those stupid chicken jokes, you never know what to eggs pecked
How do you stop a new ager from drowning?
Tell her to take off all that jewellery.
Why can’t a horse dance? Cos it’s got two left feet.
a bit of self deprecation…
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the lightbulb has got to want to change itself
I wrote a book on penguins once… paper would’ve been easier.
Are we going to get tested on these at some later date? See which we can remember and therefore which is the worst
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
Is there a prize for the worst joke?
f ( x ) walks into a bar and asks for a drink but the barman turns around and says, ‘Sorry, we don’t cater for functions…’
There’s an awful joke for any mathematically minded people out there…
OK
three elephants walk into a bar…
actually this one isn’t a joke, just a statement of fact.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0j05lV_Dq_Y
Provide your own punchline…
I actually can’t remember any bad jokes… >.> maybe because they are so bad I want to put them to the back of my mind?
Never ever read the jokes from Christmas crackers btw…
Anyway…
What does a fish say when it hits a wall after swimming down a river?
‘Dam!’
Ahhh, cracker jokes!!! If I ever go on Mastermind, I reckon I could get a clear round on knowing the punchlines to cracker jokes! Go on, quiz me… if it’s in a Christmas cracker, chances are I know it.
I do this every xmas!
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
THIS JOKE SUCKS BEWARE OF THE ANSWER BELOW
Flapjack:
What did the sea say to the shore?
Bumper Sticker:
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Oh crap, me and my big mouth.
Jameshogg – I’m thinking the punchline should be ” He had no-body to go with…” but that’s the punchline to the joke about the skull not going to the party, and it doesn’t make much sense in this context. Skeletons do have a body, though it doesn’t have any flesh on it.
Lauralou – Again, I’ve bitten off more than I can chew here… I know a similar one about “why was the sand wet…? …because the sea-weed” but that doesn’t sound right. Oh wait… Nothing… it just waved! Yes… I’ve still got it.
Flapjack, you’ll never get this one:
Why did the girl fall off her bike?
nice one flapjack!
Alright, while I’m waiting for my scores here… some suggestions for 3 Elephants walk into a bar punchlines.
1. The barman charges them £5 each for a pint of guinness. He says to the first elephant, “It’s funny, we don’t get many elephants in here” and the elephant says “I’m not surprised at these prices”
2. The barman says “why the long face?”
3. The elephant says “I don’t want a drink, I just came to make a trunk call.”
4. One of the elephants turns to his friends who are in a drunken stupor by now and says “Stop knocking back the Pinot Grigot, do you want everyone to think we’re nothing but a bunch of ‘rhinos’ off the street?”
Rhinos, geddit… sounds like… oh nevermind
OK they were all crap, but can you do better?
What\’s pink and fluffy?
Pink Fluff.
What\’s long, brown and sticky?
A Stick.
What\’s big, red and bad for your teeth?
A Brick.
A piece of nylon went to a police station, claiming a polythene came up to him, and stole one of his electrons. \’Stole one of your electrons,\’ asked the policeman. \’Are you sure?\’ \’I\’m positive\’.
All the best.
Leon –
“because someone chucked a fridge at her”
Flapjack: what do you call a fly with no wings?
SGC- A walk?
I know what you call flies with no eyes… FL.
Correct!
Now, what do you call a walk with no legs?
How do you make a dog go “MEIOW”?
Leave it in the deepfreeze then put it through a sawmill.
How do you make a cat go “WOOF”?
Douse it with brandy and strike a match.
I hasten to add that no animals were harmed during the telling of this joke, though several animals were hideously maimed in the experimentation process that led to it.
SGC- a raisin?
A sit!
Good one, though. I like it.
Where did you think rasins came from… they sure as hell ain’t grapes! It’s a conspiracy I tell ya!
The picture on this post wasn’t enough of a clue for you? Raisins come from rabbits, silly.
*lol*
1) Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Cos 7, 8, 9 (7 ‘eat’ 9).
2) Why did Tigger have his head down the Toilet?
Cos he was looking for Pooh.
3) What do you call a couple that go fishing together?
Rod and Annette.
xx
Anyone for rabbit soup?
thanks for cheering up my evening, you guys (not gender specific, rather used as a grouping noun) made me laugh,)
let us all ride a turtle and enjoy the thrill as if we were snails,)
i hope more will follow?
signing off in anticipation,)
hear about those new corduroys pillow cases? they’re making headlines !
=(
corduroy*
Did you hear about the young offender caught chucking trifle all over the housing estate. He got custardy.
There was a family of balloons, and every night the balloon boy would get up and go into his mummy and daddy balloons bed and sleep with them, because he was scared.
One night daddy balloon had a talk with boy balloon about the fact that he was a big boy balloon now and needed to sleep in his own bedroom and there was nothing to be afraid of, etc, etc.
That night boy balloon was nervous again… so he got up and went into mummy and daddy balloons bedroom…. he went to get in next to mummy balloon but couldnt, so he let a little air out of her — he still couldn’t get in…. so he went to daddy balloons side and let a little air out of him — he still couldn’t get in the bed…. so he let a little air out of himself and squeezed inbetween mummy and daddy balloon.
The next day daddy balloon was not happy and he said to his son — “I’m very very disappointed in your, not only did you let me down, you let your mother down and yourself down”.
Bad-dum-tis.
xx
Whats the difference between a duck?
One of his legs is both the same.
or
Yesterday my neighbour robbed my front gate, but I didn’t say anything, I was afraid he’d take offence.
Love these jokes, thanks!
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the road and turned into a field
A man walks into a bar, says ‘ow’… it was an iron bar.
Okay, last one…
Whats green and red and goes round and round?
A frog in a blender.
(I’ll stop this now)
*lol*
A horse goes into a bar….
the man asks “why the long face?”.
—
Whats black and white and read all over?
A newspaper.
—
Whats green and goes up and down?
A bogey in a lift.
—
What do you call a bull with no ears?
Anything you like cos he can’t hear you.
xx
What’s big, red and eats rocks?
A big, red rock-eater.
What’s big, red and eats sand?
No, a big, red rock-eater on a diet.
I had met this bloke and it was very early days in the friendship. After a romantic evening out together we were walking down the street back to his car. I can’t remember what we were talking about exactly but for some reason I remember wanting to ask him if he owned cuff links. Don’t ask!
Instead of saying want I wanted I came out with “So do you have hand cuffs?”
Needless to say the initial shock on his face followed by the biggest smirking laugh was enough to turn me into a beetroot.
(This may not be a “typical joke”, but if you were there, I’m sure you would be laughing, …………..at my expense! )
Diana – You’re not alone with blurting out embarrassing freudian slips…
I found myself on my first day of work experience using the staff canteen one time. Because I’d worked through lunch it was the dog-end of the lunch menu, whatever they still had.
I approached the woman at the counter and blurted out “So what’s hot and available?”
The kitchen staff fell about.
It’s one of the few times I’ve been on the wrong end of one of my own double-entendres.
Joke of the day:
Womans rights
Freudian Slips: When you mean to say one thing but instead you say “your mother”.
: |
A pirate walks into a bar, struggles to make his way to the counter and orders a pint of ale. The bartender then noticed the huge ship’s wheel (steering wheel) shoved down his pants. “Hey man, did you know you have a ship’s wheel down your trousers?”
“Yaar”, replied the pirate, “It’s drivin’ me nuts!”
An Englishman, Irishman & a Scotsman walk into a pub. The barman says, “what do you think this is, some kind of joke?”
Postmodern humour, best in the world.
My friend is just back from Japan. She said that she had a lovely time apart from the day they went to the zoo. It cost them about £60 each to get in and the only animal was one small dog. She said it was a Shitzu
VERY BAD JOKES LIST
1. A man walks in to a pub.
Says ouch.
BAD AND CUTE JOKES:
2. What’s green and sings? Elvis Parsley
3. What did the baby digital watch say to the mommy analog watch?
“Look Ma, no hands!”
MENTALIST BAD JOKE: (FOR DERREN)
4. There was this incredible psychic from the west coast who had the strange ability to cure bad breath just by touching a person. His business card said… (Wait for it…)
Super California mystic, expert halitosis.
TECHNOLOGY BAD JOKE (FOR PHILLIS)
5. Most people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
6. How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, that”s a hardware problem.
ONE FOR ME!
How many designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Does it have to be a light bulb?
I like the last 3 a lot!!!
Thanks Flapjack that means a lot to me coming from the Master of bad jokes! Thank you! Hey… you should write a book of bad jokes and puns! You’ll be a millionaire!
Strangely I can never remember the bad jokes without prompting… if someone uses a particular word, that sometimes triggers the memory of the bad joke that went with it, but if you ask me to come up with 10 bad jokes off the top of my head now I\’d be floundering!
So this article isn’t completely truthful.
Back in my bartender days, this was my “go-to” joke:
One day, a man from Scotland with a badly deformed leg limps into a bar. He asks for a scotch on the rocks, and when he looks across the room, he sees another man. He asks the bartender “Is that Jesus sitting there?” The bartender says “Why, yes, it is!” The Scottish man says “Send him a drink on my tab!”
A few minutes later, an Englishman comes into the bar. His left arm is crumpled and non-functioning. He orders a whiskey, and when he looks around the room, he also sees the man who looks an awful lot like Jesus. He asks the bartender ” Is that Jesus?” The bartender replies that yes, it is indeed Jesus! The Englishman says “Send him a drink on my tab!”
A few minutes after that, a redneck comes into the bar. He looks like he is in a lot of pain. He can’t stand up straight, as his back is injured. He orders a draft Budweiser. When the bartender brings him his beer, he asks about the strange man, too. “Is that Jesus?” he says. The bartender tells him “Yes, that is Jesus!” The redneck says “Send him a drink on my tab.”
After everyone finishes their drinks Jesus gets up off the bar stool. He walks up to the Scottish man and says “Thank you, my son, for thinking of me.” and taps him on the shoulder. instantly, his leg is healed! He dances out of the bar saying “Oh, thank you, Jesus!”
Jesus walks up to the Englishman and says “That was kind of you to think of me. Thank you for the drink.” and taps him on the shoulder. The Englishman’s arm is miraculously healed! He gets up and dances happily out of the bar “Oh, thank you! Thank you, Jesus!”
Jesus walks up to the redneck who says
“Whoa, man, don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish
Phillis, what have you done?!
I love the light bulb jokes, but hey a little of subject. This just cracked me up last night, I almost wet myself laughing!
Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle – Television – Part 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgdhoOdtvSM
What do you do if you find a trumpet growing in your garden?
root it oot
This is one I came up with on my animation course… it was used for my mate’s lip synch exercise. He gave me the feedline and I supplied the punchline. Apologies in advance.
Two flies feeding on a giant turd.
First fly – “You know, we really must do this again some time”
Second fly – “No thanks, it was a bit too much of a strain the first time round”
I used to be a Poststructuralist, but now I’m not saussure…
Still remember a joke someone here made about a priest or such who came running out of a church crying out loud … it was xxxxxx not celebacy ……
As you can see, I dont remember the whole first part .. nor what the other word was in stead of celebacy.. but vividly remember the face and sound of this priest’s voice ….. really found that a very funny joke …
Cute little bunny .. I’ve had a whole bunch of those little ones last summer .. same colour, same hanging ears ..
What are Christmas crackers? Is that an English thing?
Nicosia – Don’t know which part of the world you’re from, but I assumed Christmas Crackers were pretty well established in the west. I’d be interested to know which countries don’t have them though!
Basically, a Christmas Cracker is usually a decorative carboard tube with a bottleneck at both ends tied with a ribbon.
It contains a snap which is loaded with gunpowder, a toy or novelty item, a paper crown, a joke on a slip of paper and sometimes a balloon. Traditionally after Christmas Dinner or after the main course before your Christmas pudding, you pass one end of your cracker to whoever sits next to you until everyone is holding the end of two crackers. You then pull them, and they make a bang sound due to the snap in the middle as they tear apart. You take out the toy and the joke, read it and hilarity ensues.
That’s the theory. In practice most cracker jokes are even worse than these ones, and the majority of cracker novelties wind up in the bin by 3pm the same day.
It’s like a Kinder egg but without the chocolate and twice the fire hazard!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_Cracker
Actually the interseting part of this wikepedia entry says “The person who gets the bigger half will half to crap on the hat.” This is one xmas tradition I wasn’t previously aware of
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Amos.
Amos who?
A mosquito just bit me.
Come on, knock knock jokes are the WORST, bring it!
I like Bill Bailey’s take on the knock knock joke being destroyed by the invention of the camera assisted intercom.
Buzz Buzz
Who’s th… oh it’s you. No there’s no point in me asking… Look I can see you alright?
Not a joke as such but the best bon mot I ever heard, delivered with perfect timing;
Scene; pub, a gathering of under-age drinkers in the Seventies.
A group of boys comment on the overpowering perfume used liberally by one of the assembled girls.
“Don’t take the piss out of my perfume.”
Sotto voce, my girlfriend whispers;
“Well if you did there’d be nothing left.”
All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand
Best Aussie Joke 2008:
A bloke’s wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there’s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, ‘Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news’.
‘Well,’ says the bloke, ‘I guess I’d better have the bad news first?’
The Sarge says, ‘I’m really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.’
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of
a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, ‘Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crayfish and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
we’ve brought you your share.’
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five
crabs in it. ‘Geez thanks. They’re bloody beauties. I guess it’s an ill wind and all that… So what’s the other possible good news?
‘Well’, the Sarge says, ‘if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
here get off duty at around 11 o’clock and we’re gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!
@Ms G.
the priest/pop died and went to heaven and he was pretty glad with himself about being right all along, because there WAS in fact a god and he was in fact in heaven. And Petrus asked him, if he wasn’t interested in reading the original bible. The priest/pope was pretty enthusiastically about it and went straight to the big library. After a few hours you heard a terrible scream coming from the library “nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, the word was CELEBRATE, the word was CELEBRATE”;)
Love this one;)
Thanks for the explanation, Flapjack
I am in America, and have never heard of those before. I thought you guys were talking about some sort of saltine, lol!
No problem Nicosia, and in spite of what Wikipedia says, crapping on your paper Christmas hat is not a good idea (unless the toilet roll’s run out again!).
I wouldn’t want you to get the wrong idea if you visit the UK over the Christmas period
Out of these so far…
The winner for worst joke is…
*drumroll*
SUE with the mum, dad and kid balloon joke!
CONGRATULATIONS!
Otherwise, a bad one is called “The Aristocrats”. Ever heard it? Too raw to be told here.
What’s green and looks like a bucket?
A Green Bucket.
I could go on all day…
A farmer goes up to another farmer and lays him a bet:
‘If you can guess how many chickens I have….. I’ll give you both of them!!’
Flapjack- Crap on the hat? You crazy Brits….
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff …
Buh-dum-tish
(Thanks for the prompting Sue).
This post is in danger of collapsing. I can hear the server groaning as I type. 85 posts! I bet not one of you have read the article.
Today Im going to wear my stuffy-school-head-mistresses outfit (including cane) and be thoroughly mean to you all.
Flapjack 800 lines “I must not over pun on the blog”.
Phillis – I did too read the article
I just didn’t entirely agree with it… I’m pretty sure I remember as many rubbish shaggy dog stories as I remember rubbish puns.
And anyhow if the server is already groaning… do you honestly want me to write that out 100 times? You’ll be sorry!
I must not over pun the (…edited….) boy
All work and no play makes Flapjack a dull boy
You know the article is very true in my opinion. I have worked in a comedy club for over a dozen years now and see at least one comedy show a week. When people ask me to tell them an act’s joke I can only ever remember real groaners of utter utter filth!
I could tell you some of the filth, but probably best to go see Jerry Sadowitz yourself.
Flapjack the head mistress said 800 lines………nothing less will suffice. (No copy & paste cheating!) lol
I read it. It was a very good article.
Please don’t beat me…
I didn’t read the article….. *bends over*
*lol*
xx
Phillis you know I read it like the good girl I am. For good measure here’s a bit more light reading: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/5023227/All-jokes-fit-into-eight-categories-says-scientist.html
According to this Flapjack’s puns fall into the ‘application’ category.
Oh and here’s a lovely rosy apple I have polished specially for you Miss Dorris, headmistress ma’am.
Katherine – Funny you should say that… most potential employers consider my job applications to be a joke!
There was a man whith no arms and no legs. He was very religious and every day he would bounce all the way to the local church, bounce up the steps, jump up and ring the bell. However, one day, having bounced his usual way to the church and up the steps, when he jumped for the bell, he missed, fell all the way down the steps and died.
When the police arrived there was a woman standing by the body:
“Do you know this man?” said the police officer.
She replied, “His face rings a bell.”