A couple of Swedish parents have stirred up debate in the country by refusing to reveal whether their two-and-a-half-year-old child is a boy or a girl. Pop’s parents, both 24, made a decision when their baby was born to keep Pop’s sex a secret. Aside from a select few – those who have changed the child’s diaper – nobody knows Pop’s gender; if anyone enquires, Pop’s parents simply say they don’t disclose this information.
In an interview with newspaper Svenska Dagbladet in March, the parents were quoted saying their decision was rooted in the feminist philosophy that gender is a social construction. “We want Pop to grow up more freely and avoid being forced into a specific gender mould from the outset,” Pop’s mother said. “It’s cruel to bring a child into the world with a blue or pink stamp on their forehead.”
The child’s parents said so long as they keep Pop’s gender a secret, he or she will be able to avoid preconceived notions of how people should be treated if male or female. Pop’s wardrobe includes everything from dresses to trousers and Pop’s hairstyle changes on a regular basis. And Pop usually decides how Pop is going to dress on a given morning.
But while Pop’s parents say they have received supportive feedback from many of their peers, not everyone agrees that their chosen course of action will have a positive outcome. “Ignoring children’s natures simply doesn’t work,” says Susan Pinker, a psychologist and newspaper columnist from Toronto, Canada, who wrote the book The Sexual Paradox, which focuses on sex differences in the workplace. “Child-rearing should not be about providing an opportunity to prove an ideological point, but about responding to each child’s needs as an individual,” Pinker tells The Local.
Soon that child will start to gravitate towards girl or boy toys and colours because that is what appeals to them, I brought my children up with equal amounts of boys and girls toys and trousers and skirts for the girls and very rarely buy pink things, but my 3 year old daughter (who strangely has the same name!) is pink obsessed and doll mad and loves nothing more than dressing up in high heels and putting make up on, nothing I’ve done to encourage her, that’s just what she innately likes.
The parents sound too extreme to me and are using their child as an experiment.
Poor kid.
Anna: I’m female and I hated all “girl toys” and gravitated towwards dinosaurs and robots. I still won’t wear makeup and I have never worn a pair of high heels in my entire life.
Why is the gender of this child so important to a load of strangers? Does this not demonstrate the point that the parents are making, about how we define people and our expectations of them by their biology?
I’ve tried to keep everything gender neutral for my little girl, and she gravitates towards toy cars, trains and building blocks. I think our children are influenced more by marketing and expectation than anything specifically about their gender. If they get the message that they are “supposed” to like certain things then they’ll show more favour towards them.
Ridicilous!….i can only agree with this “Child-rearing should not be about providing an opportunity to prove an ideological point, but about responding to each child’s needs as an individual,”
Bah.
I don’t think parents should force their expectations on their offspring either way. In terms of gender I tend to opt for the “Big Lebowski” definition of what makes a man, “a pair of balls”, and in that sense it’s creating a needless gender confusion in a child who hasn’t shown any prior signs of being trans. The initial call of is it a boy or a girl is an easy one to make. Gender reassignment if needed is a conversation to be had much later when the kid has formed an identity.
That said, I’m not in favour of the gender facism embodied by an animation company I once pitched a series idea to, that “Girls like everything pink and boys like things with wheels on”. I think there’s plenty of neutral scope between the extremes without enforcing rigid gender rules such as “you’re getting a football whether you want one or not” for boys and “Here’s barbie’s dream kitchen” set for girls. These things are best left for kids to explore themselves. With so many non-gender specific toys out there, there’s no need to lay down the law in such rigid terms. If they want a football or a barbie, they’ll probably let you know soon enough.
Speaking as a guy who loathes all things football related, I’d have been seriously annoyed if someone had forced one on me.
I’d be interested to know what Phillis’s take on all this is, as our resident non-gender specific blogger…
SGC: Me too!
My parents didn’t keep my sex a secret, of course, but they did provide me with toys of my choosing, regardless of gender bias. I loved construction toys, trains and cars — though I ALSO loved My Little Ponies and dolls. On the other hand, my dolls went on sci-fi adventures to other dimensions, rather than marrying Ken and starting a family.
Gender has always been a bit of a strange concept to me, anyway. I’m perfectly happy being female (we get to wear much prettier clothes, haha), but when I was little, I wanted to grow up to be a man and have a beard like my dad.
I don’t like romantic comedies, I do like action movies with explosions and the good guys defeating the bad guys, I love watching things like American wrestling and monster trucks, but I also like girly stuff like clothes and make-up and baking pretty cakes.
Gender isn’t fully a social construct, part of it is biology, too, but I don’t disapprove of what Pop’s parents are doing. As long as they don’t force the child to remain gender-neutral, I don’t see the harm in allowing it to find its own gender, regardless of its biological sex. My only concern is that other children will bully it because it doesn’t fit in their concept of how things are supposed to be — little children do tend to do that. I hope the child is home-schooled…
Never heard a more dumb story. Experimenting with your own child … Please do it with yourself I’d say … dont put your own problems on your child (as that is what is clearly the case with those parents … ).
I wonder … how is it possible that people can’t see its gender? You can see it quite quickly .. in quite a lot it’s already pretty clear when they are still babies. Too bad there is not a picture. The parents might lack psychological skills completely .. or human insight .. experience.
Getting it to wear dresses if it is a boy and boyish stuff when it is a girl .. especially when it starts to socialize with others … the child itself might get confused .. the world is the world .. no matter what your ideals are.
Besides .. most childeren are strong enough to ignore weird structures in their parents .. they will go into escape routes ..
I’m not in favor of forcing kids into gender patterns either, but under normal circumstances they will show their own preference quite soon. Also when you force yourself too much in the opposite (so for god sake dont treat the girl like a girl … that type of cramped up behaviour … ). And like written above .. otherwise they will go into escapism .. they will put up when socializing which is not really related to theirselves. To please the parents, or to help them as they seem so tight up.
Those parents may screw up their kid, if the kid is not born with insight ..
Being completely objective is not possible, and above gender .. it is really the little new individual you need to get to know .. not always the most easy thing to see too, due to steady patterns people already have established inside of theirselves due to their experience in socializing (especially outside the family). How visual we are … in a way … And how fast we forget that we truely are not on the same level als the child anymore … we will never be able to communicate with it from our true selves anymore .. otherwise we’d be acting like childeren .. and that’s not what a child needs (most of the time).
I had My Little Ponies too! Mine fought lions.
I wish I was a guy so I could piss up walls (yeah I know there are methods and attachments for women, but it looks complicated).
When they said they were Hiding the childs gender, I was wondering for a moment, ‘WHERE?!!?’. Do they put it in the ice chest or does it have to be secured else it might wander around and get in the way, I know it gets in my way regularly I mean, Ill be hammering nails in somewhere and ‘AAUGH!!!’ my gender totally gets in the way, not fun I assure you, and trust me you don’t want to know what it tries to do during cocktail parties.
My best friend is transsexual, and most of the rest are queer of some sort or another. Heck I’m the minority amongst my peers.
I think this is a great idea.
I saw my niece and nephew brought up, allegedly the same. One example I remember clearly – they both went to try judo. The girl enjoyed it a load, the boy less so. When his dad came he asked his son what terrific fun he’d had (he’d cried when thrown to the ground), the daughter was asked if she didn’t find it too rough (she’d thrown her brother over). By the next day, the boy wanted to go back, the girl didn’t want to return and get hurt.
To this day, their parents believe they were brought up the same – for example they both tried judo…. Unsurprisingly, they grew up to fit normal gender stereotype behaviour.
I’m glad I got to grow up a tomboy. And I feel sad that my best friend was given such a hard time for liking dolls just because he was a boy.
I think this is a great idea. It could be a way to settle the nature vs nurture debate. If a child’s gender is socially constructed then it will be able to choose to act however he/she wants rather than being slotted into one of two categories, which I can only think will be a good thing as it gives him/her more freedom.
“Child-rearing should not be about providing an opportunity to prove an ideological point, but about responding to each child’s needs as an individual,”
I think this is true but why is this person assuming the parents are not attending to the childs needs? They’re not neglecting the child or preventing the child from doing anything but they’re actually giving the child MORE options.
@ Anna- Maybe you didn’t do anything to influence what your daughter likes, but I’m pretty sure she still would have been influenced a great deal from the media and from other children she interacts with, and so really unless the gender is hidden no child can really be completely free to choose how they want to act, there will always be outside influences.
@ Kate: I am not at all surprised that the gender of this child is important to a load of strangers – they just want to know whether to refer to the child as ‘he’ or ‘she’. It’s not rocket science!
In my experience children like to distinguish their own from the other sex from a very early age. I wonder if this child has ever asked its parents about the difference between mummy and daddy and about its own sex? And how did the parents respond to these questions?
I am personally more “gender flexible” and like it that way. Depends on what day of the week it is or if I’m going out. To be honest until we have equality amongst the sexes which is starting to happen I can see why people radicalise this issue. For example – my sister works for the NHS and is paid less due to her gender – and she’s in a very qualified hands on position.
However this stance may be a little bit too much – I hope it’s done tongue in cheek and I personally think it’s OK as long as it doesn’t affect the personal development of the child. My own mother might like to take notes on this when she complains that I’m “dressed like the town strumpet” to which I would say “and why do you think that is mother?”
So what’s the big deal with girls liking dolls and boys liking cars?
Anna – I don’t think anyone would argue that most girls like dolls and most boys like cars, and if they’re happy with that then fine. I just worry about the kids who are made to conform to parents expectations, regardless of whether or not they like those things. There’s a lot of gender reinforcement that goes on under the radar that most people aren’t even aware of, such as boys don’t cry, girls don’t have short hair etc. If you want to see this in action, visit any major toy store and see how gender definitions sneak into just about every second toy.
That said, kids who grow up to be gay do like action men, but for different reasons
Their child can actually develop some gender disorder (whatever that may be) … as it probably will sense them around him/her quite weird all the time. The parents will have to denie something inside all the time …
and how well do they know when they get into gender confirming social structures … how do they know the child will not see them as quite normal ….
Dumb people who should not have been capeable to get childeren. Go experiment on eachother with non gender experiments I’d say, leave the child out of your psychotic brain … Feminist???? They apparently did not get the meaning of that word either. I’d be in favor of therapy for the couple and a guardian for the time being to keep an eye on things.
It’s not just toys, clothes … that define gender focussed social structures … The problem with gender is that we all have a different opinion about it .. what we feel is feminine or male .. what we see as strong/weak … how we feel it is best to cope with the world … but it is the child who needs to decide .. parents can only guide them … I myself def. would not put on skirts on my boy … unless he has a thing for it. It wont change his gender preference towards himself … if he wants to put on skirts later on in life .. he will do so anyway … and that’s their own free choice.
Girls being put back in the old fashioned role model, guys who are allowed to be way more upstuck and such then their sisters … it’s a common thing .. unfortunately … Mostly the childeren will not give in though.
They will go to the exact opposite quite often .. if parents’ focus is too massive and constant in one area on them … and therefor will take something from them .. which they will not be able to use in life again. Imo parents set systems to certain levels in childerens brains and bodies … direct or indirectly … and it will be not always impossible to see it different later on but you will be limited by the body. Sometimes parents obstruct everything possible in a child system due to the fact that they do boost them too much or not enough .. push em back to the inside way too much. All structures will have major effects on someone’s being.
The question is (mine) .. what if childeren would not be raised by parents … but by a group or in a complete different setting .. with not the quite often weird parental structures new born parents throw upon their kids .. it’s the first years that are of major importance ..
Maybe no parent ever will do good … maybe we are who we are only due to this interaction .. maybe our personalities are based upon our bodies’ weak spots (we never go to that site, instinctively) .. and no matter how much a parent will focus on that weak spot … we never will give in … as it feels sick on the inside .. or too empty .. with a lack of drive …
Go completely blank into your relationship with your child .. that’s the best system I think. Nothing to do with gender. And keep a close eye on your own behaviour .. diagnose things ..yourself .. the child .. etc.
How big the reponsibility is … its beyond people self .. that’s probably why they are being called parents …
Everyone gets infuriated and wants a definition, RIGHT NOW.
Reminds me of the boy with the green hair.
I can understand the parents point of view. People choose labels for those they meet so they can pigeon hole, we all do it to some extent as a way to cope with individuals. It would be interesting to see who we might have been if there had not been certain pressures on us as children from the type or colour of toys we are given to the clothes are parents dressed us in. Then again maybe we become the people we are meant to be regardless
“Ignoring children’s natures simply doesn’t work,”
I’d say that the parents are doing the opposite of ignoring their child’s nature. To forced gender expectations on a child despite their own personality and preferences is ignoring or even suppressing their nature.
By allowing Pop to express Pop’s own identity and individuality without pressure to conform to a preconceived gender, the parents are ensuring Pop’s individual character flourishes and is not ignored.
This is fascinating. So long as if the child does start to naturally gravatate towrds a ‘type’ they don’t try to stop them and neutralise the childs choice. If they are attending a school with mixed sex children the child may go with whatever others of their gender (whatever that may be) do, are interested in etc just to fit in. Interesting concept.
I agree with you semicolon. Most children and instantly placed into a gender role, from their pink or blue room and clothes to how they are treated in play and converstaion. By deciding that you aren’t going to do any of those things you are placing more emphasis on the childs individula personality rather than their physical body. Not sure how it’ll pan out long term mind you but as a very young child I think it sounds like an honourable idea.
That said, I’m not sure I’d do it myself.
x
(on a side note. I watched all the episodes of psychoville last night on iplayer. Disturbing in parts and very clever. Funny too! :-p Thumbs up from me.)
Apologies for spelling etc. I’ve been up all night.
x
So the parents and other ‘nappy-changers’ are confident that they won’t have any influence on the child?
I grew up in a fairly masculine environment, in the 70s, where women apparently knew their place – my father and uncle were police officers.
My cousin was constantly derided by his father for making a beeline for my dolls’ house every time he visited our house as a toddler. He was the first person I knew that I could call amazing.
Nature must conquer nurture, surely? And no misguided, plainly weird people should ever use their child to prove one way or another.
“Child-rearing should not be about providing an opportunity to prove an ideological point, but about responding to each child’s needs as an individual,”
Such a true statement
I don’t want to tell someone how to live, but their idea does seem incredibly ignorant and self involved to get attention.
I imagine their aim is to give their child the freedom that every other child does not have. Clothing is polarised and from the age of 1, in fact from birth, we are sent to different area of the shop to purchase clothes for our children. These are heavy symbols and weigh them down. I am fascinated that these parents have maintained their ruse for so long and I wonder how much longer it will last.