Jesse Bering over at Scientific American writes. “Gay people are often asked by the curious: When did you first realize you were gay?” In my case, I remember undressing my Superman doll–and being terribly disappointed at the result–as well as being motivated to befriend the more attractive boys in third grade. But hormonally speaking, it wasn’t until I was about fourteen that I first looked in the mirror and thought to myself, ah, that’s what I am all right, it all makes perfect sense now.
It wasn’t much of a mystery. After all, lust isn’t exactly a subtle thing. Back then I derived as much pleasure from making out with my “girlfriend” as I might have from scraping the plaque from my dog’s teeth. In contrast, barely touching legs with a boy I had a crush on sparked an electric, ineffable ecstasy. In the locker room after high school gym class, I forced myself to picture naked girls in my head (particularly my girlfriend) as a sort of cognitive cold shower, a pre-emptive strike against an otherwise embarrassing physical response. I could go on but you get the idea: whether or not we like, hide or accept what we are, our true identities–gay, straight, bisexual–consciously dawn on each of us at some point in adolescence. We all have a natural “orientation” towards sexual contact with others, and for the most part we’re just hopeless pawns, impotent onlookers, to our body’s desires.”
Full story over at Scientific American
So What?
To explain: I’m watching on TV an Indian boy making bricks 14 hours a day to support his brothers and sisters, and I’m reading the self-absorbed story of some Yank obsessing on where he puts his dick. Just get on with it. We’re one species amongst 3 million
Long-time reader, first-time commenter
Thought I ought to comment on this one, being asexual myself. I’ve never found anyone physically attractive nor had any degree of sexual desire towards any gender… If anything, I find that a bit of a relief. It saves on buying flowers every February…
It is unusual, however, how my peers can’t quite understand this idea. They can’t get their head around how I can’t find anyone ‘fit’ or attractive. It’s quite unusual how few people comprehend – or have even heard of – the idea of asexuality. Glad someone’s finally shedding a bit of light on it…
I’m sure lots of non a-sexuals love to tutor them in the area.
I also wonder .. how do they do know that they are a-sexual? If they never have felt something in that area .. will they even recognize it when it is there. Maybe they think it is something else than it really is. In the end, it is all just a matter of mind (focus). Hormones can drive lots of people completely our of their sexuality, prevend them from freeling at all sexualy arroused by anyone/anything. Upbringing/circumstances can cause a lot, without big trauma’s. Not that you need to feel sexual, but if you wish and you don’t feel sexual .. it can be solved with time and effort. The person him/herself needs to want that too ofcourse, and maybe that’s where the problem is in reality. The body is very willing to see into it if they allow it .. and get a bit closer to it.
The levels in lust. A lack of lust does not mean that you can not be sexually attracted to someone. We all have different sexualities (so not all gay are the same when it comes to sexl, not all hetero etc etc). As it is with most thing you need to develop it, look for what you like. And if the drive is not there then it is completely up to yourself to explore it, if you wish. If yoú don’t have that desire, than don’t (but than dont doubt any longer either).
I’m not a-sexual but not very strongly driven either as I do not live from the slowest levels. Female tend to focus from another level in this area when younger as it is normally not possible to be in such passive body level. In general, it’s the female body that does not get a boost in this area but slows down .. guys get a boost. With the exclusions on this rule. And time …
the world might be a better place if people didn’t have to think about sex all thetime
Well put..
I’m surprised that this is still news. Asexuality has been known about for ages. But even as recently as last year we were struggling to get even queer support groups to recognise it.
I’m Asexual 23 years old
@ms G & Nopke
You cant force yourself to learn to be attracted to people. You can pick up on the subtleties of what makes another person beautiful, but thats not the same as physical attraction.
Lets put it this way, If I decided to pleasure myself, thinking of either gender would not aid me, and if anything,picturing someone would instantly bring about a ‘cold shower’.
I used to think I was asexual, till I was about 19– then I realized I was just a misanthropist. & a romantic. At the same time. Which manages to mean that I actually want to LIKE the person I’m making out with. Crazy. Now I’m 30 & married & picket fences. Funny.
I’d say that it’s impossible to verify asexuality without performing a Dr. Henry Adams style ‘girth test’ on the nether regions of some willing test subjects. Sit them down in front of some juicy porn and measure what response you get.
Plenty of LGBT closet cases use asexuality or celebacy as a cover story before finally coming out, which is why I have difficulty believing it.
Perhaps asexuals only exist where trauma has been suffered so causing them to retreat from the sexual world completely, or some other chemical imbalance in the brain. They say Michael Jackson was possibly asexual, I just think he was mentally scarred from his childhood and never grew up properly, I’m not saying this is the case for all asexuals but if it’s natural to be sexual in one way or another then help needs to be given to those that aren’t.
A natural orientation to be interested in sex seems normal and logical it is all part of the human experience both good and bad, as one of the only animals to indulge in sex for pleasure we should take advantage of it while being mindful of not over populating the planet or getting STD’s.
‘queer support groups’?
Nice, just a great offensive way to put it.
Sex is boring. Too much emphasis on it. I can find both sexes beautiful but it does not mean I want a sexual relationship with them, I think anyone can. When in relationships past (Not many) I used to tell them I had decided on celibacy. I was the kind of person who preferred a cuddle, still do.
I find it strange that many people have such a strong ‘can’t be true’ response to the absence of sexual instincts in some people (not necessarily in the comments here, but I’ve noticed as much when the topic comes up in general discussion).
I’m not asexual myself, though at 26, I have yet to find a partner to explore that side with — but that’s more due to a combination of shyness and general pickiness.
But to me, well, sexuality is just another bit of the brain, and it stands to reason that some brains may develop differently than others. Same as how I have absolutely no desire to procreate, while others do. These differences do interest me, but I’ve never found them to be strange… they’re not harmful or whatever, just non-mainstream. What’s the big deal?
Interesting choice to post the introduction but no more of this article, since the intro has little to do with asexuality. The rest of the article is interesting, and does examine it, but the intro on its own is hardly helpful. I wouldn’t have known it was about asexuality except for the heading. Possible to be a bit more relevant in the passages you choose to quote, or to add a relevant comment beneath it?
Asexuality is fascinating and hugely overlooked. You don’t have to identify as asexual to be bewildered by the omnipresence of conversations and theories about sex. I’m so bored of hearing about it. Not everyone thinks sex is important. To me it is a fun activity, with a possibility for huge meaningfulness, but no more likely than in a meal together. Mostly I wish we’d just shut up about it (that’s almost sacrilegious for a bisexual).
Asexuality is a counterfeit of oneness. It’s basically a suicide cult.
Meh. I’m pretty sure i’m becoming asexual. Haven’t found anyone attractive innnn… about 3 years. I was never attracted to my last partner, but that’s probably not related. : )
I don’t know. I’d like to find someone attractive, I fear that part of my brain has broken beyond repair. But the last crush I had was a hyperventilating level of wonderfulness. Hehe. So that may have spoiled me. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for that part of me to return, but I won’t hold my breath.
Boy am I surprised by the tone of some posts here.
OK perhaps Phillis shouldn’t have started this post with a personal story that doesn’t really relate to the article in question (asexual people feel no sexual desire for either gender, whereas been gay is totally different), but given that he also adds a link to the article in question it should be obvious what he was talking about, even if some of us would not agree that “We all have a natural “orientation” towards sexual contact with others” (this does kind of contradicts the article he’s post),
“I’m watching a documentary about serious things!” Well good for you, let’s keep to the topic in question shall we?
A suicide cult? In what way, exactly? Do you think all these guys have a death wish and instead of throwing themselves out of windows, are just not having sex?
Flapjack, you disappoint me. Maybe there are people out there using asexuality as a cover story, but with the difficulty of explaining it to people, I doubt it’s common. Your response reminds me of the people who claim bisexuals are just going through a phase, or cannot admit they are gay. Does that mean bisexuality isn’t real?
Prieure, it’s incredibly offensive to say all asexuals are asexual because of trauma. Again, I’m reminded of those who say gay men were raped as kids. You have nothing to support your allegation. Why is being asexual more unnatural than being gay? Both are deletorious, if they are mutations of some kind.
And Flapjack, how would you feel about being told we should test gay men by measuring their erection level while they look at pictures of naked women? We don’t do that. We accept that those men are attracted to men and not women without suggesting invasive, embarrasing tests to make sure they’re not lying. Why, then, is it so hard to accept some people arenot attracted to men OR women?
I felt I must throw my support into the growing pile here of those who have asexual tendencies, if only to balance out the ignorance found on this page. Up into my 20’s, I have yet to find a woman who I find attractive enough to initiate a relationship with. While I am certainly not gay as I do find myself sexually excited by women, I can say that I am less interested in the idea of sex and more interested with the idea of a strong, long-term relationship with physical intimacy being secondary in the situation. This, on occasion, has resulted in the term asexual being thrown around in descriptions of myself.
My personal feelings, though I hope this doesn’t offend, is that those with a strong desire to learn and be intellectual have less of an interest, generally, in sex (Freud excluded!). Simply, one would never find an asexual redneck.
Eh. My best friend and my ex boyfriend are asexual. My ex boyfriend is a wang because we broke up due to me feeling superguilty having him sleep with me when he didn’t enjoy it, then a month later he got a girlfriend. Douchebag.
My best friend, however, isn’t a total knobjockey. She’s biromantic (likes both genders but doesn’t want to bone them). When she’s dated she’s made it very clear that while she doesn’t want sex, she finds her partners attractive. Her last girlfriend couldn’t understand that, and they ended up breaking up because she felt guilty about wanting sex when my best friend couldn’t have it. And because the ex was a crazy bitch, but mainly the asexuality thing.
I see it as a perfectly valid sexuality, and I don’t quite get why it’s news. But yes, it’s a fairly hard life for an asexual. Providing they’re not idiots.
Why can’t people be free to choose to love who they want, when they want, without the need to explain their actions or be under some sort of social scrutiny?
LC x
that’s what i’m talkin about. we’re tired of people telling us how horny we should be.
I’m surprised at the skepticism here, and the slight offensiveness of the comments. I saw a show about asexuality about a year ago. And I just thought, “Oh, of course.” It seems perfectly within the spectrum to me.
Just for the sake of levity, it seems to me that asexuality (and I’m not unfamiliar with those tendencies) is the atheism of desire. And shouldn’t we each be free to desire whom we may desire, even of it’s no one at all?
- Hey I’ve met guys with “toilet odor” fetishes. I can believe just about anything when it comes to sexual desire (or lack of) – Phillis
wow with the critism… its easy to judge isnt it, when you dont know. *rolls eyes*
im asexual
Hmm I find myself questioning this now. Never really heard about it before.
I find men attractive, but I’m just not interested in sex. I don’t know whether it’s lack of interest or a fear of it. Possibly the latter, I’m guessing something stemming from my childhood.. I just can’t think what.
Emily, maybe it’s nothing stemming from your childhood at all. Not being interested in sex doesn’t mean you suffered trauma as a child,and even if you actually are scared of it, that doesn’t necessarily mean youwere traumatised either. People are scared of all sorts of things.
- Freud would probably disagree
– Phillis
Freud thought pretty much everything was caused by childhood trauma, though. He was also sex-obsessed.
Phillis, would that be because Freud was a bit of a frustrated, oversexed dick?
For a while now I have thought that the whole contept of “sexual orientation” is a bit basic. Some men can like women and men, some can like only women, some however can only like some women, or some women and some men, and of course the same goes for women. Trying to class these are “orientations” is about as scientifically sound as is the term “teenage”. Each person is unique, and therefore it would make more sense to see sexual attraction as something that is perhaps more complex than a simple grouping of “hetero”,”homo” or even “not applicable”.
For a while now, I believe that sexual attraction is more of a pattern recognition system that is influenced by the subconscious, and expressed by our consciousness. It is not built to fit specific patterns ,and that is why it often doesn’t. More work needs to be done in this field.
Identities are false.
SGC – Sorry if I crossed a line there, but I’ve never encountered genuinely asexual people, and those I know about who make a big issue of their celibacy (Stephen Fry and Alan Bennet to name but two) often come out of the closet at a later stage. People who genuinely don’t feel any attraction to anyone of either gender or hermaphrodites are even more scarce.
I’m not saying they don’t exist, and I don’t object to them, but I haven’t ever encountered a proven example of one. I am just stating what you would need to do from a scientific standpoint in order to establish they were genuinely asexual rather than either sexually frustrated, celebate or lying.
After all, we are establishing a new scientific category here and to my mind that requires some kind of study beyond mere anecdotal evidence.
Am I digging a deeper hole here?
Yes, you are, rather. What you are saying is that if somebody self-identifies as asexual – which means anything from being involved in a relationship but not desiring sex with their partner or anyone else, to just not experiencing sexual OR romantic attraction – they have to prove themselves. It’s not enough for an asexual to say “I’m not into men or women. I don’t really feel any sexual attraction or desire to feel that.” Instead, they have to undergo testing to satisfy you that they’re not liars, or mentally broken.
As other people here have said, asexuality isn’t all that new at all, you just haven’t heard much about it. Do you really think that whether you have personally known any “real” asexuals has any bearing on the asexual commenters on this blog entry? Who are you to demand that they prove they’re not broken?
And you can be mentally ill and asexual.
SGC – I’ve been thinking about what you said all day, and I’ve come to the conclusion you’re right. I’m out of line. Asexuals don’t owe me anything by way of proof as everything I said about them could equally apply to bisexuals, transexuals and as a gay man I know it erks me when people say “ah you just haven’t found the right woman”, or require some kind of empirical proof I’m not just a straight man who hasn’t persevered with women.
I should really think it through properly before I post b@ll@cks!
I take back everything I said. Scientifically tested data is one thing, but I’m showing a complete lack of empathy here. Sorry if I offended anyone. Can you forgive me?
Aw, it’s ok, I totally forgive you. It’s not an unusual response to asexuality to come from the point of view you did. It’s way more unusual to see someone retract it, and that’s always a big step forwards. Hooray!
A test wouldn’t work anyway, seeing as asexuality is so complex. I identify as asexual, however I do experience sexual desire. I did infact the other day while looking at this guy, but I know that if he kissed me or did anything else I wouldn’t feel anything, or at the most I would feel slightly repulsed. It’s complicated & I know it doesn’t really make sense, I guess my idea of sex in my head is different compared to the actual experience (?)