Posted in Derren's Posts

Posted by Derren Brown February 25, 2010 at 5:53 pm

Got to Crawley rather early today, after having arrived perilously close to curtain-up the last couple of nights. This doesn’t feel like proper touring, as we’re home every night and not sitting around with flaccid sandwiches and hard licquor making each other cry with laughter after the shows. On the other hand, I’m painting in the days which, as Coops would say, is a ‘tasty treat item from Mummy’.
The shows have been the best yet. This may be helped by the fact that the theatre have a free-for-under-26s policy, which means the theatre’s joy at the sell-out dates must be mitigated by my demographic. I’m hoping there’s some government funding going on to cover them. The other night brought in a raucously delightful A’ Level group, and I believe I got their teacher up on stage, which must have caused great amusement. Interestingly, one little bit didn’t work too well with her: doubtless to do with a lingering self-consciousness that her wards were watching her and may even follow an irresponsible example. Fascinating. For me at least. Possibly just bewildering and disappointing for the thousand or so watching. (Please no spoilers…)

What could have been an underwhelming preview venue has turned out to be a real joy. Just three nights left and then we’re off to Buxton and the proper touring feeling will recommence. I have also been neglecting my book-editing for my paints: this will enjoyably resume too.

Somehow in between these things, I’m looking forward to gettig stuck into Sarah Bakewell’s enticing volume on Montaigne:

How to Live: A Life of Montaigne in One Question and Twenty Attempts at an Answer

and must spend time with Iain working on a new TV special idea: such pressures do not leave me, not even in Buxton.

Right, I must begin my regular pre-show rituals. It is time. They are as follows:

1. 15 minute throat steam into the Vicks Personal Steam Inhaler. Gets the old nodes lubricated. A hydrated throatingtons is a happy throatingtons.
2. 9 seconds of self-disgust at the amount of saliva I have produced during 1, and which now covers the base of the VPSI.
3. Change into first-half shirt.
4. Make-up. Jen doesn’t always get much time, so generally I apply the foundation while she does my hair. This we call ‘helping Mummy’.
4. Clean my teeth.
5. Get changed all proper-like.
6. 15 mins of vocal warm-ups. These would have you lolling out loud and rofling on the floor laughing if you heard them. However, through their ludicrous means, they ensure that a suitable stage-voice is in place for addressing so many of you for so long with the requisite amounts of volume clarity and energy. Occasionally ruined by munching on a chocolate biscuit.
7. Iain comes in to check I have everything I need for the show, and to let me check a certain set of photographs that have been taken for a certain routine in the show. I say they’re fine, and he takes them away.
8. I leave for the backstage area.
9. 5 mins of merry-making in the wings, dancing to own theme-tune with crew etc.
10. Walk onto stage, realising flies are undone.

Time now to begin. Expect a lot of dribble all round.

February 25, 2010 at 6:59 pm
nettmac says:

Awesome insight! thank you… have fun xx

February 25, 2010 at 7:00 pm
Izzy says:

I was at Tuesday night’s show and it was FANTASTIC. Thoroughly enjoyable evening out, so thank you very much for that.

February 25, 2010 at 7:09 pm
Tina says:

Tut tut tut. Should be tooth-brushing THEN foundation, that way you don’t ruin it with toothpaste foam.

Looking forward to seeing the show when it makes it to Belfast =) It’ll be the day before my birthday so it should be a good night all round. I shall expect a kiss blown from the stage especially for me πŸ˜‰

February 25, 2010 at 7:12 pm
Tiff says:

And why, Mr. Brown, would your flies be undone every time you do this ritual?!

February 25, 2010 at 7:13 pm
Ghost says:

Realising flies are undone .. hm .. we don’t have that expression .. it’s al up to the audience then I guess, you’ve done what you needed to see to (well, the main part is still to come ofcourse ..). We hit 2 flies at the same time where the brits kill 2 birds with one stone. No flies there .. hmm …

ah, that was the steam procedure.

Hair? She is doing what with your hair then. Fixing it with shiney spray? Oh well, I’m used to long hair so people with shorter and less and less straight, more stubborn hair .. fascinate me.

The mint, you forgot the minty . I may hope you do take them .. With people that nearby .. you never know ..
I’m a smoker, so I know.

Licquor .. so not real liquor then…. ehehe …. Yeah, I checked that. It looked weird but hey, I’m not a brit ..

February 25, 2010 at 7:20 pm
Ms G says:

The teacher .. too old perhaps as well? And indeed, might not be in the same self as without students. Lots of possibilities. She might also be pretty much in her normal self. Self awareness is pretty normal on stage I’d say if you don’t frequent there all the time. Or that special ‘chemistry’ which you might have started to trigger in her without her realizing why (why does he do that? Why? Is it a trick? Should that put me in a state?). They ofcourse dont come to your shows without that type of reasoning. And especially not on stage.
But you know that ofcourse. Other people think about that at times too. Uhuh. Automated processors.

Hm, free under 26 … now that is weird .. but convenient for you I guess.

No Sarah the ram support act yet on stage then huh? Warming up.

February 25, 2010 at 7:21 pm
Rhian says:

I wonder what stage you are on right now…… πŸ˜‰

February 25, 2010 at 7:32 pm
ReliegiousMarie says:

Heh, lovely post…oh, what we all would probably do to hear your vocal-warm-ups! πŸ˜€

Have a great evening you all!


February 25, 2010 at 7:41 pm
Joe Francis says:

hey derren i went to show on the 24th February it was a brilliant show the best i have ever been to. i would also like to say i have watched so many of your shows on tv and may i say your much better live. i also love your impressions especially stewie griffin and uri i could not stop laughing when you do them. I wish you luck on the rest of your tour and would hope to get an email from you πŸ™‚ cant wait to see your next show or tv series your amazing.

Joe Francis

February 25, 2010 at 7:56 pm
Jude says:

I love these little insights into the Mind Readers Mind πŸ˜€

I need to go to one of these shows one day…

February 25, 2010 at 7:59 pm
Surzy says:

My friend and I are coming to see you on Sunday in Buxton, and are hoping to catch you for a wee photo after!!

I CANNOT wait for her to see the show – this will be my 4th time and I’ve been DYING to talk to her about it – but have been an awfully good girl and kept my gob shut!!

Happy Birthday for Saturday πŸ™‚

Surzy xx

February 25, 2010 at 8:14 pm
roz says:

i’m proud of you for doing that 15-min. vocal warmup…good man!

February 25, 2010 at 8:37 pm
Dmaco says:

i have to say…i was PMSLing myself laughing reading this post.

expect a lot of drooling from moi in Ipswich. Possibly enough to beat the amount you drool into the node lubricator


February 25, 2010 at 8:59 pm
Cat says:

Hi Derren.

I went to the Crawley show on Tuesday night and just wanted to say how great I thought it was. I actually used to live in Crawley, I’m now in Brighton, so being able to finally get to see you was a right royal treat.

In fact when I was young I used to act and actually acted on the Hawth stage – so you were in many ways following in my foot steps πŸ˜‰

Anyway – next chance I get i’ll be coming along to another show.


February 25, 2010 at 9:00 pm
Jackqueenking says:

Of course you know that you now have to film, and put on the blog the vocal warm-up routine so that I can LOL, and ROFLMAO (I can imagine I can roll a lot better with no arse of course) to my hearts content, with Choc biscuit munching, included πŸ˜‰ Pwease.

February 25, 2010 at 9:57 pm
Dylan says:

Free tickets? Why did I not hear about this.

Ah well. I’m gonna get there really early (thanks to coming just outside of london… the other side).

Friday will obviously be the day that the car breaks down, the school bus doesn’t run, taxis can’t come at short notice and the rail line suffers damages (and anyway, who likes being optimistic?).

February 25, 2010 at 10:57 pm
Manveet says:

DB has to come to Canada.

International tour!

February 25, 2010 at 11:25 pm
adam matthews says:


you show was fantastic tonight, really had a great time and hope you come back to crawley soon.

just a quick question… where did you get you suit from which you wore in the 2nd act? i want to get married in simular.

thank you for a great show again

adam & jodie

February 25, 2010 at 11:27 pm
Emma S-R says:

I really enjoyed that post… Probably because it has me in the mood for seeing the show at Creepy Crawley tomorrow… YAY

February 25, 2010 at 11:27 pm
Emily says:

Oh my god, I actually love you Derren. πŸ˜€ Good luck with the show (and siliva!). I’m sure it’ll be fab!

February 25, 2010 at 11:28 pm
L says:

Cannot wait to see you on the 15th, and your pre-show rituals amused me nicely. πŸ˜€

February 25, 2010 at 11:35 pm

I’m sure they would have me lolling and rofling haha. Its interesting to look at some people’s routines, always gives an insight as to who they are, or more likely so, it just means that now every time I see you on stage I will be reminded of your saliva issues with your VPSI lol!

February 25, 2010 at 11:58 pm
Shaun D says:

Awesome tonight!

February 25, 2010 at 11:59 pm
Matt Donnelly says:

Show was brilliant, just saw it 25th feb in crawley, congratulations on the show and thankyou for taking time to sign my arm seeing as my sister lost her ticket and i sacrificed mine πŸ™‚

February 26, 2010 at 12:05 am
Kay says:

Any chance of doing a world tour?

February 26, 2010 at 12:26 am

Just back from another amazing show tonight, Derren. Even though you didn’t have a lot of time afterwards at the stagedoor, you still chatted and signed my books for me. Thank you so much for doing that.

My friend (Karen) who came with me, was a little, er…..unsure of you, shall we say. And wasn’t even keen on staying and meeting you after (but I forced her to! lol) But you won her over, and she actually admitted how nice you were in the car going home. Your charm & charisma know no bounds, Mr Brown. πŸ˜‰

Take care,

LC x

February 26, 2010 at 1:04 am
Jen says:

I started my theatrical touring experience with a small scale tour following you round the country (not in a wrong, stalkerish way, just a coincidence of booking) You have outgrown my circuit now so I’m delighted to see we’re following you into Buxton. Undoubtedly the crew reports will be the same as they used to be – Derren and his crew are lovely. I’m pleased you’ve got a wagon now, it was much overdue. My show takes up an embarrassingly small amount of space on a 45 footer but it’s worth it for the look on a crew’s face when we open the doors. Love you, love your work.

February 26, 2010 at 1:14 am
Kara says:

Hey .. just got back from seeing you!! (25th feb @ said crawley theatre) lol
amazing show!!! my watch still says 1.15 πŸ™‚ i am slightly reluctant to change it lol
thank you soo much for signing my programme and posing for a picture πŸ™‚
once again .. AMAZING SHOW!!! *gold star for you* lol
Kara xxxxx

February 26, 2010 at 1:28 am

Can I also quickly say that that book looks a fascinating read. Would love to know what you think of it once you’ve read it, Derren. πŸ™‚

LC x

February 26, 2010 at 1:41 am
Angie says:

This has just made me incredibly excited for next Wednesday. In the circle so hopefully safe from immediate danger. And I apologise in advance for any people plucked from the audience.

February 26, 2010 at 3:36 am
Cherry says:

Glad the tour is going as well as it did last year.

My first thought was tooth brushing before the make up and shirt. Want to keep your foundation nice and even don’t we? (Not that you need it, you stunner πŸ˜‰ heehee!)


February 26, 2010 at 8:49 am
ScreamingGreenConure says:

I went last night and it was more fucking epic than Beowulf. The awesomeness made me tingly.

February 26, 2010 at 9:59 am
Koo says:


Saw you at the Hawth last night- was a really mind blowing perfomance!! After reading your book I was determined to see all the things you were doing but as always, you managed to evade detection.!!!Have a fantastic tour- keep up the good work! X

February 26, 2010 at 10:27 am
Mandy says:

Very interesting insight into your pre-show warm up.
Got a question/ dilemma for you – I have found a phone number on my mobile saved to the name Derren but swear I disn’t put it in there, nor do I actually know a Derren??? Did you secretly hypnotise me at some point???

– email it me and I’ll validate it for you – Phillis

February 26, 2010 at 11:17 am
Samantha says:

Hey Derren!
I was at the show on Tuesday (23rd) and it was FANTASTIC!!! I was part of the ‘raucously delightful AÒ€ℒ Level group’ – so glad you noticed us!
I also got called up on stage, I was the ‘medium’ with the twitchy leg everytime! I do not know how you do it Derren – you’re AMAZING! Even stranger is that I didn’t think I’d be there as tickets sold out so quickly – only got the ticket earlier on the same day as a friend couldn’t make it!!! Couldn’t believe my luck!
On top of all of that I also got a kiss on the cheek from you, all in all adding up to be my best evening out for a loooooooong time to come!
Thank you!
Love Sam xxxx

February 26, 2010 at 11:26 am
Thistooshallpass says:

Thank you for an amazing show last night Derren …still canÒ€ℒt figure out how you do what you do and we are still talking about it this morning.
After Γ’β‚¬ΛœyearsÒ€ℒ of meeting you face to face I finally plucked up the courage to ask for a picture after the show lol. Many many thanks to you and your team for a wonderful night.

Sue and Paul xx

February 26, 2010 at 11:43 am
Francesca G says:

Fantastic show last night – absolutely amazing.
Your flies were fine last night!
Great to meet you outside after the show.

February 26, 2010 at 11:43 am
Jess xxx says:

‘5 mins of merry-making in the wings…”

Well, if you and the crew have got THAT sort of relationship going on, I’m not one to…Oh, right! Sorry! (Thought that would be moving a bit fast.) πŸ˜‰

Am extremely looking forward to 23rd March (Must have said that about ten times on here!)

P.s. Jackqueenking is right…You HAVE to post a vid of those vocal exercises (Or if another member of the crew is reading this, record it without him knowing! πŸ˜€ )

February 26, 2010 at 12:33 pm
Raymond says:

That’s an elaborate pre-show ritual!
I would almost think you were a professional opera singer. I guess I need to change my ritual into something more flamboyant then πŸ˜‰

I build up my own shit (I don’t have people working for me πŸ™ except for some borrowed hands and the odd groupy here and there –unfortunately all men)… Then I wait, wait, wait and wait some more until the crowd is in and the doors are closed and then I wait an other 5 to 7 minutes to be “fashionably late” aka “boring myself mental and getting the pre-show nerves).

May be if I gurgle my own spit it will losen up the nerves as well as the throat.

February 26, 2010 at 12:48 pm
Kevos says:

Cant wait to see you in rainy Manchester. Quite a while off yet though. When is YOUR book out Derren and what may I ask is the subject. I was enthralled by your last one, cant wait to get this one

February 26, 2010 at 1:17 pm
chantelle says:

well my pre Derren gig ritual is as follows ahem *clears icky throat*
1: sit here reading your pre show “rituals”

2: type a response to yours & whilst doing so smack my left knee (my right one is already injured & apparently the left one feels left out lol)

3: laugh my head off at above injury (must find the skeleton one Mika had me wear last week to replace mine it was blue though i hope that won’t scare you my dear lol
4: go to the shop (no i’m not buying you a birthday gift for tomorrow i already have it & no asking for snacks & stuff either πŸ˜‰ )

5: get a bath (ohh yes i’m gonna get all hot steamy & wet and also clean one should hope (though my mind will always remain completely 110% filthy at all times lol)

6: go to bed at a “normal hour” which’d be a miracle for me

February 26, 2010 at 1:19 pm
chantelle says:

and finally of course travelling to see your begoateed sweet mush πŸ˜€

see you tomorrow Derren sweetie hope you have a wonderful birthday

and no no no I’m NOT telling you what your presents are you’ll have to wait til tomorrow night dear πŸ˜‰

take care

love & hugs

chantelle πŸ˜€

February 26, 2010 at 1:45 pm
Sally says:

Saw you last night Derren. Great show with huge buzz after of ‘how did he do that?’ among audience leaving. But I’m a magazine sub editor and I almost got an irresistible urge to run on stage and put an apostrophe in one of your on-board writings and correct a spelling or two. Is this just plain wrong or did you put that urge in my head? Rest assured, It’s not the first time it’s happened Γ’β‚¬β€œ I once edited a restaurant menu with a red pen. Its use of apostrophes was appalling. Normally I’m really, really laid back but this area irks me. Is there such a thing as grammar rage?

February 26, 2010 at 4:58 pm
Adele says:

Coming to see the show tonight, looking forward to it. I’m actually bringing a friend as a suprise gift for her Birthday which is tomorrow, hope she enjoys it! Rather excited now!


February 26, 2010 at 5:23 pm
Sharon says:

Coming to see your show on Sunday night at Buxton, hopefully the snow will keep away so we can make it over the hills. My partner has only agreed to go on the condition that if for any reason he is required to go onto the stage that I would go in his place. Of course I said I would. I lied, I wouldn’t go up if you paid me. He doesn’t need to know this information, it would only harm him. If you want to terrify a member of your audience on Sunday night you could always say that you are especially looking for volunteers with the name Matthew and the surname Brigg. I’m sure he would see the funny side a few weeks later.

You don’t need to get him on stage, though. He’d be really rubbish and just ruin the whole show.

Can’t wait for Sunday.

February 26, 2010 at 5:47 pm
josh stocco says:

hey Derren, cant wait to see you in Buxton
please let me know how you are getting there. it appears all roads to this place are blocked by snow.
if you find a way in let me know, preferably before the show

February 26, 2010 at 9:54 pm
Catherine says:

Maybe you could post some of those vocal warm-ups on the blog?
Looking forward to seeing you in June! xx

February 26, 2010 at 9:55 pm
Catherine says:

Happy Birthday for tomorrow! πŸ˜€

February 27, 2010 at 12:12 am
spiderabc1 says:

Happy Birthday Derren.

February 27, 2010 at 1:50 am
Michael G says:

Hello Derren,
I came to the show on Monday and I must say I was blown away. I’m a big fan of your work and I hope you keep it up, good luck with the rest of the tour and visit Crawley again soon πŸ™‚

February 27, 2010 at 12:32 pm
rogibson says:

Should we expect to find you in Starbucks in Buxton then? Bad news – museum is shut on Sunday and Monday, so won’t be able to see the Houdini exhibition πŸ™ Can’t wait though!

February 27, 2010 at 3:24 pm
Iain says:

I was there last night, it it was amazing DB thanks! As well as having my photo taken by the lovel Coops, I had the pleasure of derrn them saying that I looked like the photo was taken whilst masturbating, and later referring to my use of “plants”. Amazing show again DB, well…fcuking brilliant infact!

February 27, 2010 at 3:45 pm
Emma S-R says:

Happy Birthday Derren! I just wanted to say that I thought your show was brilliant last night. Thanks for putting the show on at the Hawth and thanks too for signing my ticket and posing for a picture afterwards. Also, apparently, it is not all show’s at the Hawth that offer under 26s for free… Not sure if yours was one of them, but I was a full fee ticket any way!

I’m definitely hoping to see you in a stage tour again… Are you already planning another one off in the future at some point?, or is it too soon to even think about that yet? Looking forward to seeing you on the box at any rate! πŸ˜€

February 27, 2010 at 4:11 pm
Helen B says:

Came to see you on Wednesday night at the Hawth, had the tickets booked since November!! Absolutely amazing show! Can no wait to see you again! Also happy Birthday hope you enjoy your day!

March 4, 2010 at 1:20 am
dizzyhelen says:

Mr Brown….you are indeed an evil genius!
just got back from Liverpool show and omg, fantastic!! Been a fan since the start….well, since i watched the seance (scared the crap outta me and amazed me at the same time….an interesting mix of feelings!). so finally got my bum to a show and definitely wasnt disappointed. you are a star and i love your work.

meeting you after the show was a dream, such a nice man, (always thought ya were! πŸ˜‰ )

thanks for a great night!