Firstly and above all, apologies to those of you who wanted to come and say hello after the show. My few days off were beset by some non-porcine plague, in the way that bodies tend to sieze upon any quiet lull after an extended onslaught of sustained activity in order to punish the bearer severely for working so hard. I dragged myself to last night’s first night in Oxford, found I had to do an interview and photo-shoot for the Times, which I thought, like a ‘nana, was due to happen today, and was then amazed that the first half of the show went well and that I found a voice that seemed strong enough, given that I could barely speak a word during the day. In the second act it suffered, which is worrying: a few coughs and a dip in vocal energy may not matter much to that night’s audience, but without getting a chance to rest, the voice can just suddenly go, leaving us having to cancel a show or two as we did the other year. 

So I had to skip signing, under sensible instruction from my company manager. Standing out in the cold talking and chatting is lethal for a damaged, suffering throat, so I hope any of you who were there can understand. A note was left on the door – if any of you have left anything for me to sign, I’ll see to them today, and you can come and grab them later on today – any time after 7.30 –  from the stage door. I doubt very much that I’ll be signing tonight either, I’m sorry. If you have books or things – even programmes if you turn up early – that you can drop round to stage door before the show, I’ll sign them straight after and leave them there for you to collect. But I’ll be running straight off for Lemsip and beddy-byes right after the show, so forgive me if I don’t get to scribble my moniker on programmes and tickets bought too close to start time. 

Please – anyone leaving anything – remember to put a note in with your full name on! 

Now, to cheer us all up, here are some videos of some of the crew at the afore-slagged Novotel in Wolverhampton, when the hour was late and we were all rather tired. Firstly, dancing to ‘Woman in Love’ which playing quietly on the in-ceiling speaker system (so turn up your volumes please), is our own lovely Jennie:

and then, never to be outdone (although he clearly is), is our own ‘handsome’ Iain. One for the ladeez:

I note that Iain’s head looks too big for his body in this film. Rest assured this is his normal appearance, and not a perspectival glitch of the camera’s lens. Hope to be better for Grimsby x

Derren has set up a chance for you to win some Alton Towers stuff – (OK Coops helped a bit too). Head over to the Competitions page and take a look or click here.

At last, useable wi-fi has returned. I’m ashamed at how lost I am without it. My Macbook Air, crushed in a Coopie skateboarding-accident after a Nottingham show, has been gasping for action. 

First night in Blackpool was great – after Harrogate’s tricky venue it was nice to be in a theatre – the Opera House of the faded, extraordinary Winter Gardens. That first night felt like the best show yet on tour, and afterwards some lovely people at stage door. Thank you Rich, Rob, Mark and Russ. 

Wolverhampton’s first audience was hysterical: anyone there will have delighted in the first couple of people who were used in the front row, while I tried to get the first routine underway. One of them sat and grumpily stared at me for most of the show. Brilliant. The second night everyone was a bit more on the ball, and the show was rather good. The second night in Blackpool was lovely – I forgot a few little moments in the first half but the second was great. 

We now have – can I hear angels? – a few days off. When I am home with my better connection I shall post some videos of us tired and silly in the Novotel bar. 

Ta-ta for now. Phone’s off the hook and I’m switching all the lights off. I’m not in, go away. 

x

I am sitting in the bar area of a fundamentally depressing Novotel in Wolverhampton which is currently accommodating our little family. The Novotel is the epitome of the invisible hotel: you walk into a bland fug of white corners, cheap nineties bright sofas and pine-veneered tables, corporate banners advertising their Brand New Loyalty Programme and a wash of non-music that, if it were any more insipid, would fail to sound at all from the well-hidden ceiling speakers that are set into the uniform white foam tiles above you. The bleak hotel has been built to its soulless template next to an inexpressive roundabout just off a utilitarian dual-carriageway, next to which Wolverhampton itself seems to thrive and bustle with local character, curving charming alleyways and the hum and buzz of life and work. I remember once seeing a photograph of a similar hotel being built, an image which depicted the room units being dropped by a crane as a whole into place: each constituent of accommodation pre-built and inoffensively, mildly decorated; complete with dazzlingly worthless watercolour prints and waterproofed carpet with its practical, forgiving, busy design. All that was left for the staff to do, presumably, was to supply the miniature kettles, and the regulation two-pack of stem ginger biscuits. That and to check that the sheets are not large enough to tuck properly under the mattress, while making sure the duvet can be secured firmly thereunder on all four sides, making it a ludicrous act of strength and courage to get into bed: a process which involves standing and wrenching the quilt from beneath the heavy mattress, thereby bringing the inadequate sheet up and out with it, then continuing the course of action with the end of the bed so that you can at least get in and try to sleep on the flaccid, tangled sheets without feeling like a dog is lying on your feet; then, some time later, fight against your own weight while trying to kick the rest of the bedding free in order to have the breezy pleasure of exposing your legs to the dry cool-ish air being noisily rasped out by the room’s ineffectual air-conditioning.

The bar menu perfectly reflects in appearance the charmless corporate design of the entire hotel. Standing up like a greetings card next to my laptop, it shows a severe close-up of a sea-bass fillet, peppered temptingly and topped with a sprig of thyme; in relief but out of focus, what appears to be the fish skin, and behind that, and now severely blurred and fading into the cream tone of the menu cover itself, some green pieces of what may be bok choi. The word ‘Menu’, or rather, ‘menu’, for please sweet Baby Jesus Christ we should not begin such a word with a capital letter, is turned on its side and runs down the right side of the menu front, and ‘elements’ (small ‘e’) and ‘your choice’ (‘y’ and ‘c’ ) are printed right ways alongside it. What purpose does ‘elements’ serve? I fail to grasp this. I have looked around – the bar has not been given one of those names like ‘Mirage’ or ‘Temptations’, which might explain the inclusion of this odd word into the design – and neither does the menu itself offer separate components of a meal which I might be invited to bring together in my preferred combination that suits my unique tastes and lifestyle options. The word ‘elements’ is simply the nauseating name that someone has decided to give the menu, because ‘menu’, let alone ‘Menu’, just wouldn’t capture the cool, cosmopolitan, contemporary chic of this sophisticated brasserie. And ‘your choice’? My choice? It’s a menu – I need to be told in lower case Myriad Pro Regular that it’s my fucking choice? That’s what a menu is: a list of options. And as it’s been left here for me, I understand that it’s a list of my options.

But despite all this, despite its lacklustre awfulness, despite its charging for wi-fi (an offensive act secured by connecting to a French server which takes five minutes to bring up its page, and then you have to pay ten Euros for a couple of hours ‘Euros? In Wolverhampton?’ hence me typing this into Word to post later when I can have free hotel wi-fi as God intended), despite all this, the redeeming fact is that the staff of the Novotel are utterly delightful. They may work in an exuberantly hateful environment that has been borne out of a profoundly misjudged sense of what people find welcoming, but they are a friendly, helpful and more-than-happy-to-please team of ladies and gentlemen. Last night, which is so rare and so appreciated on tour, Gary the barman kept the kitchen open for us, and we enjoyed a post-show feast of nicely-cooked food before bed. Today, Grace who brings me hot water and honey and lemon to soothe my poor throatingtons is more than happy to go out of her way with my unusual beverage requests for bottles of room-temperature water and extra honey-pots, and they couldn’t be any more delighted to make us feel welcome. And ultimately, this human kindness outweighs all the limitations of the place and depressing choices made by the hotel designer’s penchant for corporate blandness. (And what is that? Do people that work for corporations prefer bland surrounds? Do those people behind the Novotel brand, for example, like this sort of thing? Why does everything excused as ‘corporate’ have to be like this?)

Compare this hotel to the sumptuous, boutique Hotel du Vin, where we stayed in Harrogate. These hotels are delightful: but all of the gorgeously thought-through aspects of this lovely hotel – and the occasional Hotels du Vin are the highlights of the touring calendar and probably the most charming group in the country – were marred by a bar and restaurant staff who were generally tricky, flustered and distracted. This undid so much of the enjoyment of our stay, in the same way that the delightfully warm staff at this very different place in Wolverhampton lift the experience of staying here to being perfectly pleasant.

Simple kindness makes all the difference. An hotel (even ‘a’ hotel, which is similar but not quite as fancy: no spa and you don’t get dressing gowns in your room) can be equipped with all the conveniences to satisfy the fussiest touring mind-reader, but such things are immediately forgotten when the staff are miserable or uninterested.  And if hotels are there to accommodate, then this is a very human need they fulfil, and thus we can learn from hotels how to best treat each other: we may be equipped with all the intelligence and wit and talent in the world, but nothing counts for much if we’re not kind. And we may be ugly, gawky, and have horrible-looking menus, but there’s nothing as appealing as being nice to people. Kindness, despite our current fetish with persuasion, goal-setting and getting-what-you-want, will always win over. It is the unfashionable but fundamental human virtue most conducive to personal happiness and a huge, forgotten secret of success.

And the Wolverines do seem very nice. A couple of fun shows and we’re back off to Blackpool.

x

Machester was lovely: the first night in Salford’s Lowry Theatre complex involved me trying to get up to speed: the combination of a day off and a hotel massage (turned out to be just head and shoulders etc but appreciated nonetheless) left me rather too chilled. The second night I was on better form, an the run there felt pretty good.

Last night we were in a huge barn of a conference centre in Harrogate, a beautiful Yorkshire town that is entirely new to me. It was a tricky room to play, lacked a lot of atmosphere in comparison to previous nights, but all was good. The start was marred by my mic pack dying on me, so Coops had to come out and replace the deficient piece of technology, which involved all sorts of untuckings and inelegancies. Shame, as it kicked the show off with a struggle, and it’s very hard getting the pace and tone back to where it should be if you start off like that.

Am just leaving the delightful Hotel du Vin in Harrogate, sadly having not had the opportunity to visit the famous Betty’s Tea Shop over the road, which I’m sure would appeal to every red-blooded male amongst you.

My throat has been tricky, as I do have a tendency to shout when I don’t need to (on stage at least). Been swigging lots of hot water and all the right things. Seem to be getting better.

Right, off to Blackpool in the drizzle. Nice.
X