Well, hello there. This is my brand new website. Brighter, shinier and more absorbent, it was designed by Pixel Dandy (@pixeldandy, creator of Horrorgami) and built by the brilliant team @abeodbart and @drigodwin. It has taken a while to buffet and pummel it into the shape you see now, so do forgive the delay. However, as they say, those who abandon themselves to delayed gratification often accrue commodities of a desirable nature.

Firstly, a few quick things to point out:

1 – After much concern, the ‘store’ is remaining a ‘store’ and not a ‘shop’. I would like it to be a ‘shop’ but ‘Derren Brown Shop’ just sounds a bit lame. Either way, we will now globally ship (what’s wrong with ‘post’ for the love of God?) the few items we keep for people who would like to have a little piece of me across their chests (T-shirt) or entirely inside them (postcard pack). We have a limited number of signed Svengali brochures for sale too.

2 – If you are in the UK and perhaps due to mental illness would like to own one of three massive pictures of me taken from the front of the Novello theatre this year, feel free to enter our half-arsed competition to win one. But really, ask yourself slowly and repeatedly if you genuinely want it. What the hell are you going to do with it? Ok, it’s probably wipe-clean. But then what? If you’re really sure, email us at <<competition now closed>> and say what you’re planning to do with it and we’ll pluck three of our favourite answers out of a fruit-bowl and get it (the picture) to you. Here are some photographs so you get the idea. We can’t guarantee which one of the three we’ll send you but do say if you prefer one and we’ll do our best.

3 – We’re hoping you might spot a few bugs or glitches that we’ve missed. If you do (or if you want to send us any feedback that you think might be appreciated), please be kind enough to email admin@derrenbrown.co.uk. We’ll deal with any errors discreetly and sensitively, ensuring that no liquid escapes onto your clothes and giving you complete peace of mind.

There you go. Experience, user.