‘If I were Prime Minister’ – Derren Brown Interview
What campaign stunt would you pull in an election?
The few proper ‘stunts’ I’ve done have been pretty gruelling and I have done them more out of obligation than any desire for mass attention. So I’d want to do something that drew no attention to myself, which is one reason why I’d be a useless politician and would hate every second of it.
Would you take part in a TV leaders debate?
Happily. I’d quite enjoy it. Though I’ve never managed to pull off the politicians’ trick of thinking that my view is the single, correct one, so I’d be pretty hopeless.
Who would write your speeches?
I’d have to write them myself. That would be one small personal pleasure I’d get from the job.
How would you redecorate No 10?
I’m thinking something like the Addams Family mansion. And I’d swap the policeman at the door for a guy with a hunchback.
Who would be your Alastair Campbell?
Don’t know. I’d have to have Stephen Fry in there somewhere.
Who would be your George Osborne?
Gordon Brown. I might as well have someone who knows what he’s doing. I’m hopeless with money. I’d spend it all on presents and dinners.
Who would be in your cabinet?
All of the X-Men.
Where would you hold cabinet meetings?
Patrick Stewart’s place – convenient.
How would you respond to being booed in public?
I’d respond by sobbing and getting very defensive.
How would you deal with a sex scandal in the cabinet?
With a huge party. It sounds very exciting.
What would you have as a new national anthem?
I think something instrumental. Or John Cage’s 4’33”.
How would you greet the Queen?
By grinning inanely and talking bollocks, which is generally what I do when meeting people of great authority.
Would you make Scotland independent?
It would be rude not to if that was what Scotland wanted.
What would keep you awake at night?
Half the country hating me.
What would you miss most while in No 10?
That level of fame would be miserable. So I’d miss the D-list status I currently enjoy.
Which pets would you get for No 10?
Lions and tigers. It would be amazing.
How would you see off a younger, better-looking political rival?
I’d make his head explode. Or if he was a lot younger and a lot better-looking, I might consistently flirt with him until he was forced to give up politics.
How would you increase participation in politics?
Nude dancing.
Who would succeed you as PM?
Someone who was the polar opposite of me. That seems to be the usual pattern – a swing from charismatic to boring and back again.
What legacy would you like to leave?
I think it would be best for everyone to forget about it as soon as possible.
(This article was first published in Total Politics magazine)
Well, I now know who I’m voting for in the next election! 😛
Most amusing, and still more believable than Clegg, Cameron the the ConDems put together.
Funny answers, however in the real world how long would you last before a riot broke out?!!! X
Very funny stuff. Come to Sydney Derren, we need you here.
Derren for PM!!
Can’t wait for your next show in March! The last one was AMAZING!
Also, you’re not D-List, nearly everyone knows who you are in the UK!
You know we’d all have to kick your butt for becoming a politician but we also now know you’d never want to even do it. Who would eh 😀
very funny. a few signs of insecurity there but aren’t all celebs lol
love the x men answer
I’ll vote for ya…. (Twice) 🙂
Were you drunk when u aswerd these questions or in a rush. still loled at some of them. u could make an advert which makes everyone loves you, couldnt you…..bet you could.
Got my vote!
Oh Derren.. I’ve always thought what the country needs is you running it. Couldn’t you just hypnotise the nation in to thinking you were great if everyone started to hate you?
Anyway I got the impression you dont have much desire to be the next PM. I feel like I should never have read his. Thats all my hope left in the world.. destroyed.
Thinking a change of hung paintings would be fun.
Well, it’s the best manifesto I have ever seen – even if only because it sounds honest. Where do I get my campaign badges and those little signs people insist on putting outside their houses?
A perfect example of the case where “Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.” (Plato)
Ooow golly…. England already is in such a huge mess these days, I sincerely glad Derren doesn’t have any political plans When you want Gordon Brown for your finances that something is seriously wrong. Plus if Derren were PM England would look like Sigfried and Roy’s circus tent in no time! OOooooh you Tigerrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Then again things actually can’t get any worse can they? Why not give it a try anyways.
Sex scandals, celebs, general incompetance and bizarre publicity stunts all the way… I think you should run for Italian President. Couldn’t be worse than the current one…
Didn’t they vote in that porn star once?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ilona_Staller
LMAO – go DB! Might not solve the countries issues but by heck we’d have alot of fun with you in power 😀
yeah – that’s what I would do if I was pre-menstrual as well…
Great interview. Great ideas! Where can I vote?
Derren for Emperor of the World!
You’ve got my vote 😀
Derren, I believe you could easily rule an entire universe – so being the PM would be like playing a game or doing a show! 🙂
Some of us would live our lives in quite a happy manner, while others would be under constant influence of your little tricks. Haha. 😛
Jokes aside, nice interview!
HAHA! That was hilarious! Another nice surprise this morning on my birthday. 😀 You’re awesome xxxxxxxxx
you will be the best prime minister we’ve ever had!!!
love u derren x
ohh Derren for pm would be amazing O-O I’d love that at least you’d know he was honest about his dishonestly and very charming and lovable 🙂 ahh if only 😀
Scrap that lets have king Derren instead of pm Derren it’d be even more amazoids 😀 xxx
Brilliant idea for redecorating No. 10, but I think you should go for something that messes with peoples heads. Like, board up the front windows, and paint the entire outside to look like a blank wall, then stick a blue police call box infront of the door. 😀
Facebook cause John Cage’s 4’33 for Xmas #1
I think you should run for PM then try the Roulette trick and see if you can gamble us out of debt. Failing that, you could always start betting on the dogs 🙂
you’re the cutest nerd in the world x
p.s. can’t wait for your tour
You got my vote. 😀
..*excited for Svengali*
Are you seriously thinking about getting into politics? I hope so. You’d certainly make a refreshing change.
Hahahaha! John Cage’s 4’33!………I just looked it up….. lols! Yes, I am sad
Great hypnotist + tv personality but I’m glad you don’t try to venture into the world of politics! Gordon Brown handling finances was the most shocking revelation of them all. Remember him selling the gold? Admitting he was terrible at maths? Bailing out dodgy bankers and throwing money at our lords and masters the mandarins of Europe!?
And also, with Scottish independence, please remember that they do not want it. Even the SNP has struggled as a party because of its central argument.
Still, don’t give up your day job, you’re great at it!!
My best friend and I have considered with this prospect with fear, I must say. Honestly, a pleasant and charming individual such as yourself has no place in the rather depressing world of politics.
-Who would be your Alastair Campbell?
Don’t know. I’d have to have Stephen Fry in there somewhere.-
That’s what I’m talking about.
…those answers made much more sense than the rubbish Cameron spewed out before the election!!