What campaign stunt would you pull in an election?
The few proper ‘stunts’ I’ve done have been pretty gruelling and I have done them more out of obligation than any desire for mass attention. So I’d want to do something that drew no attention to myself, which is one reason why I’d be a useless politician and would hate every second of it.
Would you take part in a TV leaders debate?
Happily. I’d quite enjoy it. Though I’ve never managed to pull off the politicians’ trick of thinking that my view is the single, correct one, so I’d be pretty hopeless.
Who would write your speeches?
I’d have to write them myself. That would be one small personal pleasure I’d get from the job.
How would you redecorate No 10?
I’m thinking something like the Addams Family mansion. And I’d swap the policeman at the door for a guy with a hunchback.
Who would be your Alastair Campbell?
Don’t know. I’d have to have Stephen Fry in there somewhere.
Who would be your George Osborne?
Gordon Brown. I might as well have someone who knows what he’s doing. I’m hopeless with money. I’d spend it all on presents and dinners.
Who would be in your cabinet?
All of the X-Men.
Where would you hold cabinet meetings?
Patrick Stewart’s place – convenient.
How would you respond to being booed in public?
I’d respond by sobbing and getting very defensive.
How would you deal with a sex scandal in the cabinet?
With a huge party. It sounds very exciting.
What would you have as a new national anthem?
I think something instrumental. Or John Cage’s 4’33”.
How would you greet the Queen?
By grinning inanely and talking bollocks, which is generally what I do when meeting people of great authority.
Would you make Scotland independent?
It would be rude not to if that was what Scotland wanted.
What would keep you awake at night?
Half the country hating me.
What would you miss most while in No 10?
That level of fame would be miserable. So I’d miss the D-list status I currently enjoy.
Which pets would you get for No 10?
Lions and tigers. It would be amazing.
How would you see off a younger, better-looking political rival?
I’d make his head explode. Or if he was a lot younger and a lot better-looking, I might consistently flirt with him until he was forced to give up politics.
How would you increase participation in politics?
Who would succeed you as PM?
Someone who was the polar opposite of me. That seems to be the usual pattern – a swing from charismatic to boring and back again.
What legacy would you like to leave?
I think it would be best for everyone to forget about it as soon as possible.
(This article was first published in Total Politics magazine)